Garofalo Pasta: Whatever They’re Selling, It’s All Maccherone

Following the unbelievably stupid gaffe and resulting public-relations disaster (here and here) created last September by Guido Barilla, CEO of the Barilla Pasta company, tens of thousands of people went looking for another brand of decent pasta (and no, in case you were wondering, not one American manufacturer can lay claim to that description).

garafolo6Some of them no doubt landed on the site of the “Pastificio Lucio Garofalo,” which sells its products via internet as well as through Amazon.com.

Our hope is that those who did took one look at the ridiculous English-language translation of Garofalo’s site and adopted the Inferno Solution (that is, “Let us not speak of them: look, and pass on”).

Before we passed on to the next manufacturer, however, we couldn’t help but take a few samples of Garofalo’s Mèd Een Eetaly Inglisc.

Read a few paragraphs of this and you’ll be convinced, as we are, that Garofalo’s only product is maccherone.

Let’s start with Massimo Menna’s heartfelt, um, declaration of his passione for Garofalo’s “Gente del Fud” project. (I’m sure that’s a misspelling. They probably meant Fudd. As in Elmer Fudd.)

garafolo3

We’re also quite fond of this, which we think explains why Naples has suffered so badly from earthquakes over the course of the centuries. Someone really should tell them to stop thatching their roofs with pasta!

garafolo5

But this isn’t bad either, as Garofalo explains how they look for “balance and taste … in front of a pasta dish.” Evidently, Garofalo translates like it eats:

garafolo2

Garofalo Pasta. Quality in absolutely everything. Of course, we still use cut-rate, inexpert, non-native translators. Because that’s just how our artisanal intelligence rolls, bitches.

Agenzie letterarie inesistenti e traduzioni in francese comm se nient’al fuss

Ripubblicato dal blog “Stranoforte.”
http://stranoforte.weebly.com/1/post/2013/10/agenzie-letterarie-inesistenti-che-traducono-in-francese-comm-se-niental-fuss.html

10/10/2013

Oggi voglio parlarvi di una nuova, fantastica, realtà: la INNEDE Edition, che si presenta come “agenzia letteraria multimediale”.

Per prima cosa c’è da dire che non esiste alcuna attività commerciale denominata INNEDE Edition, ma non sottilizziamo, visto che c’è un bellissimo sito in più lingue. Se casualmente vi capita di cliccare sull’icona che permette di accedere alla versione francese, preparatevi: vi si potrebbero prima drizzare i capelli e poi cadere le braccia. Ci sono errori talmente gravi che se li vedesse la mia professoressa del liceo piangerebbe per settimane e Carla Bruni sporgerebbe querela. Poi però ho capito il perché, infatti si precisa: “I traduttori che collaborano con noi sono tutti professionisti perfettamente bilingui che traducono esclusivamente verso la loro lingua madre. Le traduzioni vengono effettuate manualmente con l’ausilio di software di traduzione assistita e in nessun caso da software di traduzione automatica.” Capito? Traducono manualmente con i traduttori elettronici (a pagamento, ovvio), ora potete capire il perché di quel francese che nemmeno Totò e Peppino a Milano. Immaginatevi il figurone che potreste fare affidandovi a loro.

Comunque, volendo, si può partecipare al “corso gratuito per traduzioni” al modico prezzo di 45 euri (è uno di quei corsi che se paghi puoi partecipare gratis).

Invece se proprio volete imparare a usare un software automatico, cliccate qui: “Innede Edition ha disposto un corso online per traduttori e autori che vogliono tradurre con software automatici oppure di EDITING” (si pagano solo le spese di segreteria – segreteria che esiste, nonostante l’agenzia letteraria sia inesistente -, in questo caso si pagano solo 15 euro). Sublime. Immaginatevi un editing fatto con cotali metodologie.

Va be’, vediamo il catalogo.

Ohibò, ma c’è da stropicciarsi gli occhi! Ci sono solo opere di un unico scrittore! Tutte opere rigorosamente senza ISBN, ma sorvoliamo (sorvoliamo anche sull’introduzione in francese maccheronico di una di esse, forse siamo in presenza di neolingue create da sistemi automatici).

Troviamo anche un servizio di creazione di siti web. In effetti, vedendo il loro sito, si capisce al volo la cura che impiegheranno nel creare quello dei loro clienti. Che dire delle immagini che appaiono sulle varie pagine? A che servono? Boh, però ci stan bene (stemmi di varie università e cose varie assortite). E come commentare il fatto che ogni pagina è priva di un qualsiasi tasto per tornare alla home, oppure che cliccando su “staff” si plana dritti dritti nella pagina dei libri?

Fidatevi, questi vi faranno un sito da urlo.

Anche se la INNEDE non esiste come attività, il sior responsabile ha disseminato il web di annunci di lavoro, eccone qualcuno, ma se guggolate un po’ ne trovate a migliaia:

Cercasi aspiranti o emergenti autori, laureandi, scrittori di narrativa, saggistica, poesia o romanzi (su kit lavoro);

Cercasi aspiranti o emergenti autori, laureandi, scrittori di narrativa, saggistica, poesia o romanzi, a tempo determinato e con giornata lavorativa completa (su infojobs);

Cercasi aspiranti autori, laureandi, scrittori di narrativi, saggistica o romanzi. Inviare dettagliato curriculum con retribuzione;

insomma tantissime fantastiche opportunità, come non aderire?

Ma chi gestisce tutto questo apparato? Presumo il signor autore dei libri –  che è anche un gastronomo – messi in vendita su questo sito. Un eclettico, non c’è che dire.

Poi c’è anche chi è laureato al NORDIC INSTITUT BANGKOK. Ora, andando su google scopriamo che tale istituto non esiste, al più esiste un “nordic institute”, ma va ben, magari a Bangkok ci sono fior di scuole che noi ce le sogniamo.

Ah, dimenticavo. Questo sito offre anche “un corso di editing” (che ve lo rifilano gratis se pagate 15 euro). Ecco una magnifica sintesi di cosa, il sior gestore, intende per editing: L’EDITING è un metodo di presentazione che aiuta a fare una buona impressione all’editore che dovrà leggere il vostro manoscritto” (ecco, sì, affidiamoci a loro, e la bella figura sarà assicurata).

Oltretutto nel corso si parlerà anche di scrittura passiva e io sarei tanto curioso di sapere cos’è.

Maurizio Cosimo Ortuso & Innede: A Pirla before Swine

*Per i nostri lettori italiani: Lo stesso argomento è benissimamente trattato qui o qui, sul blog Stranoforte.

*******

Having discovered the so-called writer, Maurizio Cosimo Ortuso, and his so-called publishing company and “literary agency,” Innede (an enterprise that puts the “vanity” in “vanity publishing”),  Inglisc: Mèd Een Eetaly can almost retire. It’s difficult to believe we’ll ever find another example of such utter linguistic incompetence combined with such scorching self-importance. (Though that doesn’t mean we won’t keep trying.)

In fact, Mèd Een Eetaly held off for a while before publishing this report because we were nearly convinced that Innede was an elaborate satire of Italian megalomania and distaste for actual substance and quality. It isn’t.

So far, apparently, no writer in Hollywood has succeeded in pitching a sitcom based on the life of a translator. But that’s OK. In the meantime, we have Signor Ortuso (unless it’s “Ottuso” and the “r” is a typo). If you’re a translator, there are hours of free entertainment to be had on his elaborate website, in which no more than three words are ever strung together without an error.

In every language! Including his own, which is allegedly Italian. But Sig. Ortuso is plurilingual. In fact, according to his Facebook profile (https://www.facebook.com/maurizio.ortuso), he speaks SEVEN languages. Come on; you know that’s impressive. His languages are: “English, Svenska, Spanish, Italian, French, French, and Français.”

ortuso1

But let’s get to the Innede site, which is where the real giggles lie. Really, though, we can’t even begin to do justice to this encyclopedic collection of fatuous howlers and gratuitous idiocy.  You’ll just have to go take a look yourself. Choose any page at random. It’ll be inept, Google-translated, incoherent, and self-aggrandizing to the point at which poverty of intellect meets massive incompetence.

(Don’t worry, we’ve saved a few of the best screen shots, about which more later, in case Sig. Ortuso has an attack of shame. He seems beyond shame, so we don’t think that’s likely. But just in case.)

OK, so here’s our favorite. On the “Inglisc” version of his site, in which Sig. Ortuso promises that his “staff” can translate to and from “every language in the world” (if there’s one phrase that every shyster puts on his site, that’s it), he helpfully explains that the cost of a translation is based on the number of wisecracks in the text. (If that’s the case, this post alone is going to be worth a couple thou.)

Yes, wisecracks. Why? Because in Italian, the cost of translation is based upon the number of battute or keystrokes. But it’s true; battuta can also mean a joke or wisecrack. Typically, somewhere between 1500 and 2000 keystrokes constitute a cartella or editorial page, which Sig. Ortuso calls a briefcase (another borrow translation that didn’t work out). So, to sum up: If you want to know what a translation will cost, you’ll need to figure out how many briefcases will be required to hold the number of wisecracks in your text.

Only a dolt could make this kind of error, which a “professional” who spoke “seven” languages, including English, English, and Anglais, might be expected to catch. Learn more about the “card of reading” on the “Modalità” page.

Perhaps Sig. Ortuso was too busy “adequately translat[ing] and optimis[ing] the texts both of books and of sites web in such way to favor and to consolidate her own presence in the world” to pay attention to the error. Just working on “sites web” and placing “codes ISBN” can take up a lot of your time.

Then there’s the page on which he brags about his “publishing company’s” production of ebooks. This is another one where you really need to see the whole page (which is here), but you can get the flavor of the thing from the opening lines, in which Sig. Ortuso talks about how manuscripts are evaluated: “If your work is judged of our interest, we contact you to appraise together its typologies of publication: version e-Book, version Average-Book, e/o papery version.”

At Mèd Een Eetaly, we still tend to prefer the papery version, but it’s certainly true that far too many Average-Books are being published these days. A lot of them by Innede.

This is probably as good a place as any to point out that one of Innede’s many “books” (amazingly enough, they are almost all by Sig. Ortuso’s — he’s as prolific as a retrovirus) is called, in Italian, La Meritocrazia: Quella Che Non C’è. There’s a lot of talk in Italy about how getting ahead in one’s profession is so rarely based on merit, talent, or individual ability or achievement. Rather, what tends to count are connections, insider information, and “good words” from a well-placed friend. So we might translate the title as something like Merit: The Missing Factor.

Which, when you think about it, would be a great title for Sig. Ortuso’s entire enterprise.

Let’s close with the page on which Sig. Ortuso gives advice to would-be writers. (Again, the entire page is a work of anti-art, so take a look here.)

Clearly, Sig. Ortuso has poured his heart into this, and no doubt it reflects the personal philosophy that gives him the colossal gall to pass himself off as a professional writer, translator, and publisher and ask people to give him actual money for his hack work. He says,

In whatever sector you develop him your creativeness, some people they will detest what fairies and others will love it…. Feedback can help us to improve, but you can also insert us in black hole from which we risk not to go out.

Mèd Een Eetaly will be meeting this week with some physicists (and some fairies) we know. If there’s any possibility at all of creating a black hole from which Mr. Ortuso and his insulting “literary agency,” Innede, could risk not to go out, tell it you about we will.

Meanwhile, you might wonder whether Stockholm University, whose logo Sig. Ortuso apparently copied directly from Wikipedia, knows that it is an official sponsor of Sig. Ortuso’s nonsense. Or whether the People’s University of Stockholm, where university records indicate that Sig. Ortuso taught one single 20-hour course in 2003 for beginning students in Italian, knows that he brags about having taught there “for many years.”

But Sig. Ortuso can certainly explain all that. Why not write and ask him to try? redazione@innede.net,  info@innede.net, maurizio.ortuso@innede.net.

Note to Self For Next Act of Vandalism

From the Department of “Things I Don’t Anderstand”

How much do you want to bet this work cost peanuts!


The Tiburtina Subway Station, Rome

“Clip for the Pitted” (Italy: We Don’t Need No Stinking Translators!)

Otherwise known as clothespins …

… but don’t try telling that to anyone who has internet access and the URL of Google Translate.

The Gallery of Wrongness – Page 15: “Magic Italy”

Criticizing the Italian Ministry of Tourism for its embarrassing, amateurish, ham-handed publicity efforts is a little like shooting fish in a barrel: there’s hardly any sport in it.

On the other hand, how can you resist? Especially if you take into account the hundreds (yes, hundreds) of millions of Euros the Ministry has spent on a money pit of a national tourism website (with ugly, shameful translations in a half-dozen languages) and on publicity campaigns like these.

Many times, an image is worth a thousand words. Here are two. Plus a video. (The leggy redhead in the lesbian-fantasy-porn high heels is the current Minister of Tourism, Michela Vittoria Brambilla; the guy in the video [below] is the former mayor of Rome and, at the time the video was made, Minister for Italian Heritage and Culture, Francesco Rutelli.

Four words in English. Two of them are wrong. (With thanks to Donna Meiss for spotting this first and for creating the graphic.)

Rutelli welcomes you!

(If you cannot see the video, download it here.)

“Italy: Perhaps you dreaming about.”

Now there’s a quotable quote. Michela! Let’s get that on a brochure!

The Gallery of Wrongness – Page 10: (Mc)ProZ’s “native-English-speaking” Italian translators

ProZ.com is famous for allowing translators to claim to be “native speakers” of any language that pops into their heads and for taking no action whatever to ensure that second- (or third-) language translators aren’t defrauding potential clients by claiming to be able to do what they cannot actually do.

But even on ProZ, some people have more chutzpah than others.

Take this translator, who claims to have twenty-three years of experience and to be a “native English translator with Italian parents.” (In other words, arguably, not a native English speaker, but whatever.) She also advertises herself in English as “Dr.,” one of those small Italian scams that Italian translators sometimes try to get away with — in Italy, you’re a “dottore” or a “dottoressa” as soon as you finish you undergraduate degree, but that doesn’t make you a “doctor” in any other language.

Confronted in the past, this translator has argued that the bad translations of websites listed on her résumé were “changed by the client” without her knowledge. OK, here are three perfectly ghastly messes from her current ProZ profile. In other words, she put them there herself.

First, here’s an attempt to render the description of an art exhibition. I know, this is like shooting fish in a barrel. She didn’t even bother to run a spell-check on the piece, her punctuation is shameful, and she never met a calque she didn’t like. Still, phrases like “unctuously aestheticising” and “the state of principal essentially non-event” are evidence of a glaring lack of familiarity with basic English (as is the failure to realize that “Middle age authors” suggests something quite different from “authors writing in the Middle Ages”).

The fact is that Italian clients are frequently in no position to judge the quality of an English translation–they simply don’t read the language well enough. So they count on the translator. And there’s nothing wrong with that; they should be able to count on the translator. But that’s assuming they choose one who knows what she’s doing …

… and not one who slavishly follows every twist and turn of a truly atrocious Italian text to create an equally atrocious (and no less meaningless) one in Inglisc.

Finally, here’s a recipe.

Sure, you can figure out what she’s saying (though that “browny even colour” and “little livers” might give you pause), but the question becomes: How hard would it have been to give this text to someone who could translate it properly, edit out the run-on sentences, and use correct cooking terminology? More to the point, a translation you have to “figure out” isn’t a translation; it’s a hack job.

Perhaps the rationale for all this madness lies in the fact that this translator advertises her services starting at €0.04/word (about $0.05). Despite translations like these, she boasts that she has “developed a good reputation in this field as I am committed to high-quality translations.” She demonstrates that “high quality” once again on a different professional networking site, where her profile includes this description:

Specialized In videogames, tourism, travel, winery, marketing, technical translations, also software localization and subtitiling and websites, i have translated 50 wesbites this year many on Hotels and hospitality, Forex and online casino.

Yes, written just like that: crazy capitals, run-on sentences, “wesbites,” “subtitiling,” and all.

Frankly, this kind of translator — and the collusion of ProZ.com, TranslatorsCafé, and their ilk in finding clients for them — would be less offensive if she were at least honest: “I’m an Italian-speaking translator with a second-rate ability to write in English. My translations into English are neither elegant nor fluent, but they are very cheap.”

The English would still be terrible, but at least it wouldn’t be fraud.

Pizzeria Le Macine (Terni, Umbria)

From the online menu (Inglisc version) of the Pizzeria Le Macine. If you’re in an especially cynical mood, you might want to try the “fettuccine to the hypocrite,” followed by a contour of “spinaches to the sour one.”


Appetizers First flat Second flat Contours Pizzas

Mixed Drinks

Fruit and Sweets

Appetizers

Ham and melon
Appetizer to the millstones
Appetizer to the Italian
Imagination the chef’s appetizer
Appetizer of bread carrè
Warm appetizer
Appetizer of vegetables
Mixed appetizer
Mixed Bruschette
Bruschette to the tomato
Bruschette hypocrite
Bruschette to the oil
Bruschette with beans

Cold dishes
Caprese
Cheeses’ portion
Bresaola, rucola, parmiggiano
Rucola and parmesan cheese
Slices tomato and rucola
Scamorza to the oven
Scamorza with ham

First dishes
Bucatini to the matriciana
Spaghetti garlic oil and peperoncino
Spaghetti to the carbonara
Spaghetti to the puttanesca
Fettuccine to the hypocrite
Fettuccine mushrooms and whipped cream
Fettuccine to the meat sauce
Fettuccine to the boscaiola
Fettuccine to the millstones
Ciriole to the millstones
Ciriole to the mushrooms
Ciriole to the hypocrite
Pens to the salmon
Pens to the vodka
Pens to the norcina
Pens to the angry one
Pens to the four cheeses
Pens in pink sauce
Tortellini whipped cream and sausage
Tortellini to the boscaiola
Tortellini to the meat sauce
Tortellini whipped cream and cooked ham
Ravioli butter and sage
Ravioli to the meat sauce
Ravioli to the hypocrite
Ravioli to the whipped cream

Second dishes
Beefsteak of pig to the fire
Beefsteak of vitella to the fire
Lamb scottadito to the fire
Portion of sausages to the fire
Scaloppine to the mushrooms
Scaloppine to the white wine
Scaloppine to the lemon
Scaloppine to the hypocrite

Contours
Mixed salad
Green salad
Spinaches to the sour one
Spinaches to the butter
French fries

Pizzas
Pizza to the four seasons
Pizza to the capricious one
Pizza to the raw ham
Pizza to the fruits of sea
Pizza to the tuna and slices tomato
Pizza to the mushrooms
Pizza to the millstones
Pizza to the asparaguses
Pizza to the bismark
Pizza to the salmon
Pizza to the ortolana
Pizza to the Mexican
Truffled pizza
Salty pizza of artichokes
Mixed pizza
Pizza to the flowers of pumpkin
Parisian pizza
Pizza to the nutella
Pizza to the zucchines
Pizza to the potatoes
Pizza ham and melon
Pizza daisy wheel
Neapolitan pizza
Pizza wurstel
Pizza to the sausage
Pizza olives
Pizza eggplants
Pizza to the corn
Pizza mushrooms and bacon
Pizza white raw ham and slices tomato
Pizza to the mushrooms, cooked ham and fresh whipped cream
Pizza rucola and stracchino
Pizza rucola and prawns
Pizza rucola and parmesan cheese
Pizza to the four cheeses
Pizza to the hypocrite
Pizza to the spicy salami
Pizza to the porky mushrooms
Pizza to the carbonara

Pants
Pant to the ham
Pant mushrooms and ham
Pant to the sausage
Pant to the spinaches

Pizza breads
Pizza breads to the ham
Pizza breads of mushrooms and ham
Pizza breads spinaches and sausage
Pizza breads mushrooms and sausage
Pizza breads to the rucola

Croutons
Crouton mushrooms and ham
Crouton anchovies and tomato
Crouton to the hypocrite
Crouton to the asparaguses
Crouton to the sausage
Crouton to the sausage and tomato

Mixed
It made up for
Hamburger and chips
Roast Wurstel and chips

Drinks

Wine to the thorn


Wines in bottle

Vino Zanzi
Vino Lambrusco
Trebbiano
Pinot grigio
Montefalco rosso
Bianco di Torgiano
Rosso di Torgiano
Sangiovese
Greghetto dell’Umbria

Drought beers
Warteiner
Cains

Beers in bottle
Ceres
Adelscott
Du demon
Bud
Beck’s
Warsteiner

Drinks to the thorn
Coca cola
Fanta
Sprite

Foamy
Bersano red
Asti conte Cavour
Brachetto bersano

Bar
Caffè
Caffe corretto
Cognac e whisky
Liquori e amari
Grappa
Liquore alla liquirizia
Agricanto
Vodoka

Fruit
Strawberries to the lemon
Strawberries with whipped cream
Watermelon
Melon

Sweets of the house
Profitterol
Tiramisù
Soup English
Pears to the beautiful helena
Cooked whipped cream

Ristorante Baglio Santacroce (Valderice, Trapani)

From the Ristorante Baglio Santacroce’s online menu. (If I might make a comment, I think that implying that Sardinians are mean and filled with scratched bread is just plain bigoted. And using them to make sauce for your macaroni is almost certainly illegal.)

_______________________

The Sicilian Cuisine

Sparkling, cheerful, ritual, fanciful. The Sicilian cuisine is as its earth. Alive of sun, of sea, of love. And of turned on colors, of intense odors, of sharp contrasts.

The history of the Sicilian food custom starts with the first inhabitants of the island, the Sicanis, the Phoenician ones, the Greek, the Romans. You narrates that the rich characters and the most greater exponents of the Greek culture used to send their cooks to learn the Sicilian culinary art. Continuous to evolve him and himself/herself/themselves it directs toward new tastes with the arrival of people invaders, from the Vandals to the Byzantines, from the Arabs to the Norman ones, from the Angioinis to the Aragonese ones. And the continuous tradition, grows, it becomes wealthy of new elements of different cultural influences. They hands down new recipes, popular dishes cohabit and they are measured with “flat modern.” But the primary characteristics of our gastronomy are unchanged: the imagination, the elaborate taste in to introduce the dishes, the employment of aromas, of the seasonings, the profusion of tastes.

Some of the Dishes of the Sicilian Cuisine, that, besides those of National Kitchen, they prepare him to the Restaurant Baglio Santacroce, are:

Appetizers:

Insalata di Mare: salad of octopuses, squids, prawns, mussels, clams seasoned with lemon and parsley.

Panelle: crocché done with flour of ceci and then fried.

Caponata: cold dish which eggplants, oil, vinegar, garlic, toasted almonds, pinoli and other seasonings enter.

Pesce Spada marinato: fish sword made to soak with oil and lemon.

Bottarga di tonno: fettine of ovary of tuna served with oil and lemon.

First dishes:

Busiate al pesto trapanese: seasoned pigtails of fresh pasta with pesto of garlic, oil, basil, almonds and pomodorini.

Pasta con le sarde: macaronies with saffron and seasoned with sauce composed of onion, anchovies, parsley, wild finocchietto, almonds, pinoli and Sardinians the all soffritto in oil, flat typically and originally palermitano.

Busiate alla norma: seasoned busiate with eggplants and covered of ricotta seasoned salty.

Cuscus: flat of sure Arabic origin. It is a brodosa and tasty soup of fish with a lot of vegetables, that you/he/she is opportunely poured on a base of prepared bran.

Busiate con pesce spada e melanzane : seasoned busiate with sauce of fish sword and eggplants.

Involtini di melanzane: full of spaghetti in sauce of tomato, basil, salty ricotta and gratinate to the oven.

Second of meat:

Involtini di carne alla Siciliana: full involtini of meat of bread grattato,pinoli,uva passa,salame and cheese first salt.

Scaloppine al Marsala: medallions of meat browned in the Marsala.

Second of Fish:

Sarde a beccafico: the Sardinians cut in mean, are filled with scratched bread, sugar, cinnamon, raisin and pinoli. Cooked to couple in oil they are flavored from a leaf of laurel.

Tonno con la cipollata: floured tuna and soffritto with the cipolla.

Involtini di pesce spada: involtini of fish sword full of scratched bread, parsley and cheese.

Sweets and dessert:

Cassata: cake covered of pasta real and candied, full of ricotta and chocolate.

Cannoli: sweets with full of ricotta, chocolate and candied.

Cassatelle fritte: full ravioloni of ricotta, fried and dusted of sugar to veil.

Tastes that they happily marry him the proud production vinicola of Sicily.

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