… but don’t try telling that to anyone who has internet access and the URL of Google Translate.

On the other hand, how can you resist? Especially if you take into account the hundreds (yes, hundreds) of millions of Euros the Ministry has spent on a money pit of a national tourism website (with ugly, shameful translations in a half-dozen languages) and on publicity campaigns like these.

Many times, an image is worth a thousand words. Here are two. Plus a video. (The leggy redhead in the lesbian-fantasy-porn high heels is the current Minister of Tourism, Michela Vittoria Brambilla; the guy in the video [below] is the former mayor of Rome and, at the time the video was made, Minister for Italian Heritage and Culture, Francesco Rutelli.

Four words in English. Two of them are wrong. (With thanks to Donna Meiss for spotting this first and for creating the graphic.)

Rutelli welcomes you!

(If you cannot see the video, download it here.)

“Italy: Perhaps you dreaming about.”

Now there’s a quotable quote. Michela! Let’s get that on a brochure!

But even on ProZ, some people have more chutzpah than others.

Take this translator, who claims to have twenty-three years of experience and to be a “native English translator with Italian parents.” (In other words, arguably, not a native English speaker, but whatever.) She also advertises herself in English as “Dr.,” one of those small Italian scams that Italian translators sometimes try to get away with — in Italy, you’re a “dottore” or a “dottoressa” as soon as you finish you undergraduate degree, but that doesn’t make you a “doctor” in any other language.

Confronted in the past, this translator has argued that the bad translations of websites listed on her résumé were “changed by the client” without her knowledge. OK, here are three perfectly ghastly messes from her current ProZ profile. In other words, she put them there herself.

First, here’s an attempt to render the description of an art exhibition. I know, this is like shooting fish in a barrel. She didn’t even bother to run a spell-check on the piece, her punctuation is shameful, and she never met a calque she didn’t like. Still, phrases like “unctuously aestheticising” and “the state of principal essentially non-event” are evidence of a glaring lack of familiarity with basic English (as is the failure to realize that “Middle age authors” suggests something quite different from “authors writing in the Middle Ages”).

The fact is that Italian clients are frequently in no position to judge the quality of an English translation–they simply don’t read the language well enough. So they count on the translator. And there’s nothing wrong with that; they should be able to count on the translator. But that’s assuming they choose one who knows what she’s doing …

… and not one who slavishly follows every twist and turn of a truly atrocious Italian text to create an equally atrocious (and no less meaningless) one in Inglisc.

Finally, here’s a recipe.

Sure, you can figure out what she’s saying (though that “browny even colour” and “little livers” might give you pause), but the question becomes: How hard would it have been to give this text to someone who could translate it properly, edit out the run-on sentences, and use correct cooking terminology? More to the point, a translation you have to “figure out” isn’t a translation; it’s a hack job.

Perhaps the rationale for all this madness lies in the fact that this translator advertises her services starting at €0.04/word (about $0.05). Despite translations like these, she boasts that she has “developed a good reputation in this field as I am committed to high-quality translations.” She demonstrates that “high quality” once again on a different professional networking site, where her profile includes this description:

Specialized In videogames, tourism, travel, winery, marketing, technical translations, also software localization and subtitiling and websites, i have translated 50 wesbites this year many on Hotels and hospitality, Forex and online casino.

Yes, written just like that: crazy capitals, run-on sentences, “wesbites,” “subtitiling,” and all.

Frankly, this kind of translator — and the collusion of ProZ.com, TranslatorsCafé, and their ilk in finding clients for them — would be less offensive if she were at least honest: “I’m an Italian-speaking translator with a second-rate ability to write in English. My translations into English are neither elegant nor fluent, but they are very cheap.”

The English would still be terrible, but at least it wouldn’t be fraud.

	Appetizers First flat Second flat Contours Pizzas Mixed Drinks Fruit and Sweets

Appetizers

Ham and melon
Appetizer to the millstones
Appetizer to the Italian
Imagination the chef’s appetizer
Appetizer of bread carrè
Warm appetizer
Appetizer of vegetables
Mixed appetizer
Mixed Bruschette
Bruschette to the tomato
Bruschette hypocrite
Bruschette to the oil
Bruschette with beans

Cold dishes
Caprese
Cheeses’ portion
Bresaola, rucola, parmiggiano
Rucola and parmesan cheese
Slices tomato and rucola
Scamorza to the oven
Scamorza with ham

First dishes
Bucatini to the matriciana
Spaghetti garlic oil and peperoncino
Spaghetti to the carbonara
Spaghetti to the puttanesca
Fettuccine to the hypocrite
Fettuccine mushrooms and whipped cream
Fettuccine to the meat sauce
Fettuccine to the boscaiola
Fettuccine to the millstones
Ciriole to the millstones
Ciriole to the mushrooms
Ciriole to the hypocrite
Pens to the salmon
Pens to the vodka
Pens to the norcina
Pens to the angry one
Pens to the four cheeses
Pens in pink sauce
Tortellini whipped cream and sausage
Tortellini to the boscaiola
Tortellini to the meat sauce
Tortellini whipped cream and cooked ham
Ravioli butter and sage
Ravioli to the meat sauce
Ravioli to the hypocrite
Ravioli to the whipped cream

Second dishes
Beefsteak of pig to the fire
Beefsteak of vitella to the fire
Lamb scottadito to the fire
Portion of sausages to the fire
Scaloppine to the mushrooms
Scaloppine to the white wine
Scaloppine to the lemon
Scaloppine to the hypocrite

Contours
Mixed salad
Green salad
Spinaches to the sour one
Spinaches to the butter
French fries

Pizzas
Pizza to the four seasons
Pizza to the capricious one
Pizza to the raw ham
Pizza to the fruits of sea
Pizza to the tuna and slices tomato
Pizza to the mushrooms
Pizza to the millstones
Pizza to the asparaguses
Pizza to the bismark
Pizza to the salmon
Pizza to the ortolana
Pizza to the Mexican
Truffled pizza
Salty pizza of artichokes
Mixed pizza
Pizza to the flowers of pumpkin
Parisian pizza
Pizza to the nutella
Pizza to the zucchines
Pizza to the potatoes
Pizza ham and melon
Pizza daisy wheel
Neapolitan pizza
Pizza wurstel
Pizza to the sausage
Pizza olives
Pizza eggplants
Pizza to the corn
Pizza mushrooms and bacon
Pizza white raw ham and slices tomato
Pizza to the mushrooms, cooked ham and fresh whipped cream
Pizza rucola and stracchino
Pizza rucola and prawns
Pizza rucola and parmesan cheese
Pizza to the four cheeses
Pizza to the hypocrite
Pizza to the spicy salami
Pizza to the porky mushrooms
Pizza to the carbonara

Pants
Pant to the ham
Pant mushrooms and ham
Pant to the sausage
Pant to the spinaches

Pizza breads
Pizza breads to the ham
Pizza breads of mushrooms and ham
Pizza breads spinaches and sausage
Pizza breads mushrooms and sausage
Pizza breads to the rucola

Croutons
Crouton mushrooms and ham
Crouton anchovies and tomato
Crouton to the hypocrite
Crouton to the asparaguses
Crouton to the sausage
Crouton to the sausage and tomato

Mixed
It made up for
Hamburger and chips
Roast Wurstel and chips

Drinks

Wine to the thorn

Wines in bottle

Vino Zanzi
Vino Lambrusco
Trebbiano
Pinot grigio
Montefalco rosso
Bianco di Torgiano
Rosso di Torgiano
Sangiovese
Greghetto dell’Umbria

Drought beers
Warteiner
Cains

Beers in bottle
Ceres
Adelscott
Du demon
Bud
Beck’s
Warsteiner

Drinks to the thorn
Coca cola
Fanta
Sprite

Foamy
Bersano red
Asti conte Cavour
Brachetto bersano

Bar
Caffè
Caffe corretto
Cognac e whisky
Liquori e amari
Grappa
Liquore alla liquirizia
Agricanto
Vodoka

Fruit
Strawberries to the lemon
Strawberries with whipped cream
Watermelon
Melon

Sweets of the house
Profitterol
Tiramisù
Soup English
Pears to the beautiful helena
Cooked whipped cream

_______________________

The Sicilian Cuisine

Sparkling, cheerful, ritual, fanciful. The Sicilian cuisine is as its earth. Alive of sun, of sea, of love. And of turned on colors, of intense odors, of sharp contrasts.

The history of the Sicilian food custom starts with the first inhabitants of the island, the Sicanis, the Phoenician ones, the Greek, the Romans. You narrates that the rich characters and the most greater exponents of the Greek culture used to send their cooks to learn the Sicilian culinary art. Continuous to evolve him and himself/herself/themselves it directs toward new tastes with the arrival of people invaders, from the Vandals to the Byzantines, from the Arabs to the Norman ones, from the Angioinis to the Aragonese ones. And the continuous tradition, grows, it becomes wealthy of new elements of different cultural influences. They hands down new recipes, popular dishes cohabit and they are measured with “flat modern.” But the primary characteristics of our gastronomy are unchanged: the imagination, the elaborate taste in to introduce the dishes, the employment of aromas, of the seasonings, the profusion of tastes.

Some of the Dishes of the Sicilian Cuisine, that, besides those of National Kitchen, they prepare him to the Restaurant Baglio Santacroce, are:

Appetizers:

Insalata di Mare: salad of octopuses, squids, prawns, mussels, clams seasoned with lemon and parsley.

Panelle: crocché done with flour of ceci and then fried.

Caponata: cold dish which eggplants, oil, vinegar, garlic, toasted almonds, pinoli and other seasonings enter.

Pesce Spada marinato: fish sword made to soak with oil and lemon.

Bottarga di tonno: fettine of ovary of tuna served with oil and lemon.

First dishes:

Busiate al pesto trapanese: seasoned pigtails of fresh pasta with pesto of garlic, oil, basil, almonds and pomodorini.

Pasta con le sarde: macaronies with saffron and seasoned with sauce composed of onion, anchovies, parsley, wild finocchietto, almonds, pinoli and Sardinians the all soffritto in oil, flat typically and originally palermitano.

Busiate alla norma: seasoned busiate with eggplants and covered of ricotta seasoned salty.

Cuscus: flat of sure Arabic origin. It is a brodosa and tasty soup of fish with a lot of vegetables, that you/he/she is opportunely poured on a base of prepared bran.

Busiate con pesce spada e melanzane : seasoned busiate with sauce of fish sword and eggplants.

Involtini di melanzane: full of spaghetti in sauce of tomato, basil, salty ricotta and gratinate to the oven.

Second of meat:

Involtini di carne alla Siciliana: full involtini of meat of bread grattato,pinoli,uva passa,salame and cheese first salt.

Scaloppine al Marsala: medallions of meat browned in the Marsala.

Second of Fish:

Sarde a beccafico: the Sardinians cut in mean, are filled with scratched bread, sugar, cinnamon, raisin and pinoli. Cooked to couple in oil they are flavored from a leaf of laurel.

Tonno con la cipollata: floured tuna and soffritto with the cipolla.

Involtini di pesce spada: involtini of fish sword full of scratched bread, parsley and cheese.

Sweets and dessert:

Cassata: cake covered of pasta real and candied, full of ricotta and chocolate.

Cannoli: sweets with full of ricotta, chocolate and candied.

Cassatelle fritte: full ravioloni of ricotta, fried and dusted of sugar to veil.

Tastes that they happily marry him the proud production vinicola of Sicily.

Desperately seeking a qualified Latvish-to-English translator to explain the meaning of the phrase:

“Engagement in Latvia is a mutual promise to conclude a marriage … however, engagement is not an obligatory precondition for conclusion of the marriage nor the fact of engagement provides the rights to claim for conclusion of the marriage by court proceedings or in any other way.”

No, wait. Actually, I’ve decided I don’t really care.

From the Integration in Latvia site.

It’s an interesting problem in “globalization.” If 1-2 cents/word is decent pay in India, good for them. But when Indian companies are in a position to compete with translators outside of India, who cannot possibly live on rates like that, what’s the ethical response?

Do we tell translators outside of India, “Ah, well, you’re just another unfortunate victim of globalization. Better start looking for another job”?

An additional irony is that the quality of cut-rate Indian translations is so often poor. Hey, but wait. They speak English as a native language in India, don’t they? Well … sort of.

When non-native-English-speaking clients aren’t in a position to judge the quality of the translations they’re getting (and they often are not), they’re happy to buy Hinglish. It’s cheap after all. In all senses of the word.

On the other hand, if you understand that the pair of “made in India” pants that cost you $12 are never going to last beyond one summer (if that), why would you expect your translation to be any better?

.... and then Mahesh went on to pursue a successful career in translation.

... nor the rules of English, for that matter.

Sometimes a thesaurus just isn't enough.

Solar Farm ⁞ Report card: C- ⁞ Here’s my offer to the Parma, Italy-based Solar Farm company, providers of “turn-key photovoltaic in Italy”: If I promise not to install solar paneling, will you promise to stop translating into English?

I think it’s only fair. Because if you ask me, “Is it still worthy a solar farm in Italy?” I’m afraid the answer is going to have to be, “No, it were not.”

The Golden Rush!

The “Golden Rush” is pretty funny all by itself, but the “focues” and the “high energy-yeld” are just plain embarrassing. Even if you’re a bad translator (especially if you’re a bad translator), you should probably learn to use the spell check.

But it’s when we get to brief bios of Solar Farm’s principals, Marco Bonvini and Emilio Zechini, that their site qualifies for the Gallery of Wrongness. I’ll bet both of them are real smart guys, and there’s no question that Italy desperately needs alternative-energy resources.

Growing interest toward and collecting sponsor interest ... a full-time job.

But what if they think like they write? Or what if the care they put into their consulting services is equal to the amount of attention they paid to the English version of their website?

If I were someone interested in solar energy technology, and if I couldn’t read this site in the original Italian, considerations like those would certainly give me pause.

In the end, it’s the age-old question: What kind of business are you running if it isn’t worth the price of a decent translation?